I Feel Your Pain

Dear Momma,

I see you.

I see your forced smile when someone says they’re pregnant.

I see your eyes trying to gleam in excitement for others, while you carry your burden alone through the darkest path of despair.

I see you trying so hard to fight the urge to cry every night yearning to just see 2 pink lines.

I see you upset with others. I see you I promise.

I feel your heart-wrenching sobs at night while others so “undeserving” announce they’re expecting.

I can hear your “it’s not FAIR.”

I can promise you I know.

I can promise you I feel the papercut burn and the bandaid rip everytime someone asks when you’ll have a baby or have another.

I know that sting trying to be happy for others, all the while hiding your bitter heart that just wants a tiny human to care and love.

I can promise you I know. I know the hurt.

I know what it’s like being told it wouldn’t be a good idea to have more children.

I know what it’s like to have your dreams crushed.

I know the “oh well you atleast have one healthy child” sympathy phrase that doesn’t repair your broken heart.

I know the fussing you get that you should be thankful for what you have and get over it. You don’t get over that hurt. I know.

I know the hurt of having it all taken away.

I also know the peace that finally comes with time. I know the feeling of being able to actually breathe. I know the feeling of actually being happy for others having their own babies. I know the feeling of not being alone anymore. I know the joy and calm that comes after the storm and sadness.

I know having a baby after you originally weren’t supposed to.

I know being afraid, but I also know being brave in order to take care of your family.

I know love.

I know thankfulness.

I know life.

I know I’ll pray you find it one day too.

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